Corinne's Dailies

Karaoke Superstars!

2005-07-22T00:56:00.000-07:00

Mike singing One Night in Bangkok at the Army, Navy, Air Force 298 Veterans Club on 23rd & Main. For those who have not made it out, the Clubhouse crew (among others) make their way out this way every Wednesday for Karaoke, atmosphere and some awesome entertainment.

No one has any information for this

2005-07-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

Today at around noon, Rae and I went to T & T Supermarket on the edge of Chinatown by the 20 bus. On the way back we were going to take the SkyTrain back. We waited for about 10 minutes before I noted that it was more crowded than usual and the SkyTrain was taking longer than it normally does. Mere seconds later the intercom announced that the SkyTrain from Waterfront to Broadway was not running. There was "an intruder" (their term) and that there was no service from Waterfront to Broadway. No "please wait 10 to 20 minutes while we fix the problem", just an indefinite "no service, so away". It must have been that moment that the problem occured because buses were still pretty empty (the 20 Victoria runs close to all SkyTrain stops except Main Street/Science World).

Anyway, anyone got any word on this?

Battle INDEED!

2005-05-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

On MSN today, Christian and I had a little talk about Pirates and the horribleness of Sheryl Crow. But mostly about Pirates. But Sheryl Crow still blows.

the Bonnie Lass Brigade was founded as a means of allowing girls to be geekly without being overrun by mouthbreathing nerdy boys. I can respect that. there's a learning curve for games like this, and often boys (at least the buys in our social circle) have a lot more experience with these types of things. this sewing circle allows the girls to get together and learn the game at their own pace without being trounced by nerds with testosterone pumping through their veins and a bloodlust for victory (people like me).

While it began as a pace issue, it quickly became a fact that we're totally fine with playing for the sake of playing and that competitive spirit would change the dynamic of girls being entitled to their own activity. It's fun, it's light-hearted and we enjoy each other's company in the environment of a super cute game that involves looting and bombing!

miyuki and I have played a couple of games, but they're kinda boring with two people. from what she's told me of the epic four and five player battles, I'm raring to try one of them. problem is, I don't know anyone who plays. this weekend we're going to teach my friend moe to play, but he's already told me all of his disposable income is going into star wars miniatures and he can't afford a new game at this point. he's a quick study and can borrow some of our boats, but he isn't a permanent opponent.

Christian der Wünderkind says:
miyuki and I have enough cards to supply four people easily for a 45 point game... she can share.
Corinne says:
I can share as well.

Your complaint about him not affording the cards was covered in MSN. You can share, apparently. I support that idea.

I've asked about the possibility of playing up in canada, and been thoroughly shot down.

Corinne says:
If you want to organize one I'm sure some of them would be interested. If I organize it, it looks like I am saying "we voted, I don't care; once in a while we're playing with guys"
Christian der Wünderkind says:
I doubt anyone will drive to kirkland to play.
Corinne says:
You can organize one in Vancouver. The set up will fit on a Denny's table or alternatively here.
Corinne says:
But I am not organizing it. PERIOD.
Christian der Wünderkind says:
denny's tends to frown on gaming a lot of the time.
Corinne says:
I took a vote to respect the girls' choices.
Corinne says:
Denny's has never frowned when we've shown up with games

Corinne says:
If you rely on me to organize it, I jeopardize the Bonnie Lass Brigade Mike would play. Miyuki would play. I would play. There is four people who[sp] don't mind. Grae might even get in on it. I can't organize it, though
Christian der Wünderkind says:
I find it difficult to believe the girls are that, well, dumb.
Corinne says:
Why are they dub?
Corinne says:
dumb? Because they don't want to be involved with overly competitve boys?

Not only were people allowed, but I even opened the Clubhouse up for the event. The only stipulation was that I was not going to organize it. I organize the Bonnie Lasses, not secondary groups. I will play with secondary groups, but I am not going to organize another one. End of argument.

several of the girls in the brigade have boyfriends who would play, and a couple other guys have shown interest as well.

Grae and I played prior to the Bonnie Lass Brigade. Name another male companion besides yourself that is keen to get in on the game?

I had the idea of even running simultaneous games on a weekend game night, with one room being for the hardcore nerds to bash each other's brains in, and a second room for those whose primary concern is simply being social and having fun.

And has been accepted as a proposed idea. Provided I don't organize it. Post it on The Last Time/Clubhouse.

this idea was roundly rejected. why? the girls don't want to play with boys, because they're too competitive. try as I might, grasp this concept I cannot. perhaps this is that boy "logic" thing, but I don't see any correlation between a girls social night on thursdays, and an open gaming session on a saturday.

You're wrong and I have proved it.

if a bunch of people, girls and boys, get together to play on a saturday, all of their own free will, how could this possibly be a threat to the sanctity of girls night? seriously, who could look at a bonnie lass who also plays with boys on the side as a traitor to the cause? does this mean miyuki is going to hung from the highest yardarm because she's played with me? that she's not tainted with "boy" and her game is ruined? she mustn't be allowed to play with the other girls for fear of infecting them with "boy"?

We're not allergic to anyone in the Bonnie Lass playing outside of the Brigade. I organize that group and I am not going to organize another. If you want to organize one, then do so. I have zero objections. I told you several times to organize one and to use the Clubhouse or a Denny's. But that's not the issue, is it? It is because you think you're being singled out to be discluded. You're not. Every single male is discluded, interest or disinterest. And it's just a ladies' night thing that we enjoy. I'm not interested in organizing another Pirates group just so you can play. I will play with you, Mike, Grae, anyone. I just won't organize it.

that's just stupid. I could understand that an extra saturday session with different (and more competitive) opponents could somehow be construed as an unfair edge, but the thursday sessions aren't about winning, right? and even if it were somehow an unfair advantage, it's not like anyone would be excluded from playing on a saturday, so it's not even unfair. it's simply an opportunity to play a fun game with some different people, see some new boats, maybe learn a new tactic or strategy. the best way to learn a game is by playing it and watching it be played.

Unless we don't want to turn this into some sort of winner takes all glory battle! We're fine playing it as a fun game and not trying to cut the ground under from our opponents. And if we do, we'll choose to do so in our own time.

I'm out of options tho. I've been informed I can't ask any of the girls to play outside of their usual night, because it would be a threat to the very fabric of the Bonnie Lass Brigade. I guess the girls are so utterly frightened of being tainted by "boy" that they're not even considering side games.

Blah, blah, blah, you're wrong.

so either I need to find someone to buy about $60 worth of pirates cards, or I need to find people who are willing to visit me in kirkland to play. I have ample floor space to crash on, and two tables large enough to support simultaneous games.

either that or someone needs to volunteer to host something in vancouver, you know, where the other players are. I'd humbly request it take place on a weekend so I can actually attend...

Kind of like I repeatedly did over MSN before getting fed up with your harrassment over nothing?

Christian der Wünderkind says:
it's not an exclusive club. did you all sign secret papers saying you'd never play with icky boys? is miyuki now banned because she played with me?
Corinne says:
Fuck it. No more Pirates. Screw it. I am ditching the Bonnie Lass Brigade. It's a headache. Satisfied?
Christian der Wünderkind says:
no, I'm not. I want miyuki to see her friends before she moves.
Christian der Wünderkind says:
I ALSO want to see my friends.
Corinne says:
then see your friends
Christian der Wünderkind says:
I'd also like to play this game.
Corinne says:
then play it.
Christian der Wünderkind says:
and I suspect a multiplayer game will be more interesting than playing
with miyuki.
Corinne says:
then organize one

Stop whining. I'm keeping the Bonnie Lasses bonnie and lassy. I've made an offer to you that should keep you happy, but it isn't enough.

Time for a little self-loathing.

2005-05-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

To begin:
a) nobody likes me.
b) everybody hates me.
c) something about earthworms.

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I am not that far down the drain, just yet. I just had a sour evening. And maybe a bit more souring times.

I've been feeling "better" lately. Those in the know have the knowledge of my not-so-good feelings of before lately. Just today, and maybe yesterday, and quite possibly the day before that, I have had a resurgence of "fuck. this sucks." I can't say what is causing all of this, and others around me have had much sadder, traumatic experiences within the past 24 hours. I just feel like shit. I feel as if "a)" were true and "b)" would quickly become true if I let anyone close to me again. The "c)" I still have to figure out what that has to do with "a)" or "b)". Something highly scientific, I imagine.

I'm sure many of us have had our moments of insecurities where the way a person looks at you the right/wrong way can set you off into thinking that the whole social group you've known for years, months, weeks, days has finally found out how lousy of a human speciman you are and have had a meeting without you to discuss the terms of the consequences related to your recent assessment. I find it can be more disheartening when it is someone who has spent their days at the bottom (albeit affectionate bottom) of the social ladder. I'm sure it was nothing. Or rather: "I'm sure it was nothing." (For those having a hard time deciphering that last message, one is something you are sure of, the other is something you tell yourself to try to make yourself sure.)

Honestly, I don't think any meeting has happened. I don't think any meeting needs to happen. People just know.

I have insecurities. How big of insecurities? I am considering stopping Pirates. Not because I don't enjoy Pirates or that I have lost all joy in building, bombing, and bootying (that can't possibly be a word, but I wanted an alliteration). It's not even a matter of feeling defeat (one cannot feel defeat if one doesn't play to win). I just don't want people to get to know me any further than they already do.

I have a secret. It's not one of those dark secrets that I would deny if confronted (although I do have those, as well, I am not talking about those currently). I've said it before, and I don't think I'll be able to change it any time soon:

I don't trust women.

I'm getting better about it. I mean, starting a ladies only Pirate Tourney is a great step in the right direction, as was having most of my profs last semester of the twinned chromosome nature. But I just can't trust that girls/women won't hold grudges that don't mean anything. I can't trust that girls aren't judgmental to the end. I don't jump to that conclussion about every female I meet, but I almost never let my guard down.

Now, seeing as how maybe half a dozen ladies have participated in the Pirates, I assume I am insulting someone inadvertantly. I can't stress this enough: This is nothing personal against anyone in particular (besides myself). I don't like myself enough to let other people get to know me. I fear Ladies Only Pirates will expose me.

Parties mean I can flutter from person to person, getting to know them bit by bit, but keeping myself guarded. Two hours (give or take) in a closed circle is very intimate for me. I will continue with Pirates for the time being, but I don't know how I can deal with the irrational stress and anxiety I hold because of it.

"I'm sure it's nothing."

2005-05-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

Email me for password.

April 30th Recap!

2005-05-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

The Pre-Wedding Prep
I got up really early and made BJ & Mariko's card. And then I had a shower, quickly got dressed and waited for Rachael to show up. She did. And then we went over to Eva's. All this is really uninteresting but statistical. Eva did an amazing job on my hair and our make-up (am I allowed to praise how good I looked?--took me a while to get used to the eyebrows...) and we physically rushed out the door to get to UBC on time. Rachael was supposed to meet Bob there, so Grae and I slipped in and were greeted by a swarm of people working like mad on getting everyone set. Mariko's (and Kat's) mom gave Grae and I boutonnières (he a tight lily and I an amazing white orchid). It was a super sweet unexpected surprised (I felt so loved). Andrea was running the guest book table, which was brilliant because getting people as they come in is incredibly efficient. They had some of the engagement portraits up that some of the femmes got a sneak preview of on Thursday night. Cutie pies, they are.

The Girly Stuff
Rachael was still outside waiting for Bob when Mariko showed up. She looked fabulous and although I had seen the picture of her dress over six months ago I felt a little pang of guilt for seeing her so early before the wedding. She looked, naturally, gorgeous. Miyuki & Kat's dresses were black with a white bold, but delicate, pattern with white shawls with black stiching of leaves. Super swank, and the cuts of their dresses flattered them to a T.

It was kind of funny to watch someone react to you as a stranger and then whip into "waitaminute! I know you". Mariko did that as did a couple others, but Mariko's was by far the most noticeable. I assume because she was expecting some weird relatives to approach her at that moment, or something. You get a bit bewildered on your wedding day. Plus, I looked way off with new eyebrows, sweeping bangs and (omg) make-up on.

The Ceremony
Grae and I wandered off down to the garden with Christian to get a strong postion for sight and photos. Rachael waited patiently for Bob to arrive. Down by the gazebo, BJ, Damon and Dave were in the process of setting up. There was a search for some sort of audio jack that a couple of us had... at home. A couple small delays, but zero rain, and when the ceremony was on the sun burst through. Almost everyone's eyes were on Mariko when I spun around to check BJ's stunned grin. He looked quite satisfied by the process. Once Mariko was lined up against him, it probably took him a solid 10 minutes to lessen his grin. Around the time he had to start repeating words. I've never heard so much chuckles at the "if anyone has any reason why these two should not... etc." BJ hammed it up nicely.

Cocktail Hour + Reception
Here's where Grae and I come in handy. With a little confusion and the who goes where and conflicting reports, we finally settled into the Westpoint Room and tried to mingle as best as possible. Once everyone got their table they pretty much stayed there. Grae and I did our duty as announcing them as Mr. & Mrs. and gave a brief toast:

Ladies and Gentlemen (at this point I wanted to add "and Christian Rapp, but felt that no one would get it but our table) we present to you the bride and groom for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Brian Summers. (At this point some clapping, an ovation and the clinking of glasses began until they smooched)

Mariko, I've never seen you so proud as you do now with your beautiful groom. (laughter, applause)

I have no doubt that you two are in the midst of "the happiest day of your lives". (at this point Grae breaks into a bit of a speech about the good times and the bad, like Goldfinger vs. Moonraker. I was supposed to pipe up "And Lord of the Rings and Dragonstorm, but I forgot)

To health, happiness and the rest of your lives. (and then some glass clanking)

I found myself more nervous than expected.

Dinner happened, desserts happened. The food was awesome and never ending. The second round of desserts looked twice as good as the first. I was gleefully full by that point, mind you.

Then the toasts. While Ray (Mariko's Dad) won for most traditional tearmaker, Kat got the loudest laughter and applause for her speech (feel free to post it in comments, Kat). It was in these toasts where we got our new nickname for BJ: Li'l Gaffer.

After the toasts, there was the first dance where Louie played the ukulele. The ukulele got more respect that night.
tbc...

to be continued....

And now for something completely ridiculous!

2005-04-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

1. What's your full name?
2. What does your first name mean?
3. What would your parents have called you had you been the opposite sex?
4. What nicknames have you been called?
5. Any sort of odd or special story about your name?
6. If you could change your first name, what would it be?
7. Do a google image search of your name, and post up the first result you get
8. What kind of song would have your name in the title? And what would the lyrics be?
9. If you end up with children, would you pass on your name?

1. Corinne Dawn
2. Fair maiden. Derived from Cora.
3. Baby Boy. They were going to name my older brother Corinne; when he was born he left the hospital as "baby boy" because they hadn't thought of a name. They were probably going to do the same for me.
4. Bean, Lam, Lammy, Beanie, Skittles, Bob, a list a mile long, Bean being the only long term one.
5. Corinne is my aunt's middle name and Dawn is when I was born. HURRAY.
6. Something old lady like but easy to spell like Edith.
7. Too lazy. You know the link. It's more fun if you turn safe search off. I've got a porno name.
8. Some sort of Prince song about sex on motorcycles.
9. No and no.

I wasn't shopping

2005-04-08T16:42:00.000-07:00

Although I appreciate the lie.

I wandered off. It's not like a took a walk and felt like seeing the sites. I actually wandered off. Without direction.

I was just empty until I ran into Kevin at Commercial and Broadway. And when I realized I had no voice and nothing to say, I choked up and wandered in another direction. I ended up on the M-Line. It looped me back into downtown Vancouver. I'm not sure how or where, but I wound up at English Bay. On a bench. Staring into the darkness. It was cold enough that all the lights seemed to flicker. Or maybe it was humid enough to cause that. I turned my phone back on. A lot of messages.

Grae was audibly irritated that my phone was off and informed me that I was angry with him. That wasn't why. He left probably 7 of the 9 messages, plus some text messages. He went from sounding angry to sounding worried.

He sent Rachael and Bob over to the house to knock on windows and the door. They were supposed to come over that night and bring me a disk and I would pull out Grae's Magic cards. It didn't happen. I just wandered off instead.

A lot of things have happened lately and very few can I talk about, very few I can mention, and very few people I would even care to share any of it with. My EMT was my plan to make sure I'm not alone, but I'm finding my need to be alone greater than ever.

I'm not sure why I am writing now, other than to stay inside and not wander again. A temporary distraction. Something to fixate on for a moment. A confession? Embarrassment? Disappointed. In everything.

I look over this and see the writings of a thousand 15-year old bloggers, suffering angst and sadness. I could tell them that highschool ends, but I have no advice to an adult who has seen the same futility on the outside.

Looking for answers. For outs. All seem to bother the botherer. I suppose I need to be just as dishonest in return.

I have an undying desire to be right

2005-03-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

" The Decemberists' "Never Send to Know With Whom the Van Rolls, It Rolls With Thee" Tour 2004 continues! All dates with The Places and The Long Winters
"Friday 04/30 Seattle, WA | Crocodile Cafe
"Saturday 05/01 Seattle, WA | Crocodile Cafe
"Thursday 05/27 Portland, OR | Aladdin | all ages
"Friday 05/28 Vancouver, BC | Richards on Richard | 19+
"Saturday 05/29 Gorge @ George, WA| Sasquatch Festival | all ages"

Cap'n Gown

2005-02-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

June 1, 2005.

It's official. I never finished last semester, but they've decided to give me a document saying I finished in good academic standing. If you've got nothing to do that day you can come out to North Van and uh... sit in a crowd while they list off names and then you can all cheer for me when they call my name.

You guys aren't coming, are you?

Fine, I do it

2005-02-03T22:06:00.000-08:00

After careful consideration, and a bit of the guilt lecture from Robert, the cousellor inductee, I've decided to REACH OUT TO YOU ALL.

In all lameness, I need to build an ERT. Your job is to volunteer to have me call you at random times (or text message if you're on Fido). I'll try my best to withhold whining and crying, as long as you promise to be a distraction and tell me lame stories about your childhood pets.

Registration is available by commenting below.

Sadly...

2005-01-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

You'll find me here. Apologies for the domain, but they have locks on it that don't require passwords (such as other providers like diaryland). Yes, you'll have to register, but it doesn't mean you have to post. But I post almost daily there! But it's always crap. And it's got easy, easy posting abilities! But it's crap.

2004-12-08T01:26:00.000-08:00

For months I've kept a certain problem under my hat and quiet. Last night everything came to a crashing halt.

I'm sure some of you were aware of my friend in Arizona. What none of you knew was that he was a tad crazy. At first we were pretty good friends (obviously). Things were relatively normal and the fact that the world's shyest person was reaching out to me as a friend was both flattering and impressive. For a couple months we talked a lot online. After that I flew down to hang out with him for a few days. There were some signs of problems, but nothing major and most of it could be brushed off as inexperience with other people. I'd have to be a bit more patient and a little more forgiving and be more teacher-like about how people are to be dealt with.

We got along well enough that I went down to see him several times. Each time, something "worse" occured in his behaviour. At one point he physically restrained me to watch the credits to Aliens. I pointed out all the things that were inappropriate including the restraining and other control issues when they happened, but it seemed to get weirder and weirder. At the end of August, on a longer visit, he ignored me all day and went to work at night leaving me to my own devices, without a key to his house, in a trapped situation. I emailed home asking if it was possible to arrange for money for an emergency flight home after two days of silence from him. I was met with "work it out" and I tried. We attempted to work it out, and it seemed at the end of the day it was as best resolved as humanly possible with a person who answers "I don't know" to any question that involves self-analyziation.

For the next month, online he would accuse me of several things such as being malicious. It was a constant barage of accusations in which I would follow the steps you would with a child to outline my behaviour until he was completely satisfied with my defense (hours). Every conversation seemed to have these "battles" in which he was paranoid about me not being online whenever he was, or that my need to go offline to do homework was me being mean to him (as a couple examples). It was very tiresome.

At the end of September, his family had arranged for me to join them on vacation in Alaska. This was agreed upon in better times, to say the least. The days leading up to the trip were filled with me saying that I did not want to go if he was going to act like this at any time, and him daily accusing me of everything under the sun. Finally on the day before, I could not take it any longer. I informed him that I was not interested in going and that it was best if he went on his own. He was having a paranoid momnet and was in the midst of hating me at his fullest, so it was quite easy for me to argue that he would not want to spend 6 days with a person he obviously hates. It boiled down to me leaving to have lunch with Rachael and telling him to leave me an email whether or not he could stop hating me for six days. He called me at lunch in tears saying that he wanted me to come or else he'd kill himself. Admittedly, it was not the first time I heard him claim such a thing and I dismiss melodrama as such.

I went on the trip, only to find him on day one to be furious with me about something or other. He refused to tell me what was wrong and pouted 95% of the first day. I endured (so patient, I am).
The next day he was still in a mood, and we were supposed to do a vacation-type thing, as well as try to find me an inhaler as I had a case of asthma and forgot my inhaler at home. He refused to get up, so I went about the morning ritual without him (breakfast et al.) and went back to get him. He was still in bed refusing to get up ("I don't know why" was his answer). Knowing he was mad at me for going about the morning without him, I knew that going out to the pharmacy and doing everything else would bother him more, we had a stand off. He won. I left without him (after pleading for over an hour). When I came back my side of the room was torn apart and he wasn't around. He came back, punched the mirror and I left because he was violent and smart women know to leave violent situations (right, ladies?). I came back and I forced a discussion out of him. The root of the problem? I go for walks with my friends and when he went for walks with his friends he found it both bothersome and a waste of time. So he thought I was the type of person he disapproved of (which was in fact the original problem in August, as well). After I explained things that not everyone does what 8 year old boys do when they go for walks he mellowed out for a little over a day. He had another bad day when there was no french toast at breakfast a couple days later. All in all, it was a ratio of 2.5-3.5 bad to good days.

When I came home, I was determined to not put up with any more of it... especially since it was escalating. For a couple weeks there was humming and hawing on my end about any plans, and him pushing for another visit on November 11 weekend. He also kept up his routine of accusations. Finally, on the night he said he was going to buy the ticket I said I wasn't willing to go. Not while he acts that way towards me. He said that he would stop. I made the deal that if he does not stop, I will not go on the 11th--ticket or otherwise. He agreed to the terms and for the next seven days his behaviour worsened and he was up to two or three insults and accusation fights a day. After the week was up with no day of respite, I said "no dice".

In the weeks that followed he began to take care of himself, in a sense. He wanted to see a psychiatrist when I went down on the 11th with me. He wanted me to do the talking and I said I would not be of much use. I also said that maybe the 11th was better for a check up as I did not want to go down after he allowed 6 weeks of worsening. I manipulated him into seeing the psychiatrist by having him write down what he was feeling so he would not have to talk. He went on his own and began a second medication. I admit that while I never said I was going on the 11th after I said that I would not, I knew that he assumed that if he did all that I wanted him to, I would go down. There were other problems in the meanwhile. The week before I was supposed to go he asked me bluntly. I'm not one to lie or dance around direct questions and I answered honestly. He took it amazingly well. Or so I thought. On November 10th at about 1am he called me again. He pleaded and was polite and said he wouldn't stress me out and all sorts of promises I knew to be false. And when I said absolutely no, that I was more adament than he could ever possibly imagine, that no pleading or promises will get me to go, he threw a fit; threatened suicide; I could hear things crashing on the other end of the line. In the end I had to wake up his mother and tell her to take him to the hospital. This was not the first time I called her regarding his psychosis.

I made it clear that I wanted no further contact--at least until I finished my now destroyed semester. I ended up having to talk (or cry in three cases, by accident) to my instructors about my repeated absences and lack of assignments handed in. I missed my second midterm in Robots because I broke into tears within 5 minutes. I was so stressed I couldn't read or write and managed to get myself to a counselling office after leaving the room.

There was an agreement to leave me alone that was not upheld. Repeatedly, once a week (which, for him, was restraint), he would email me. I'd reply curtly and reiterate that I needed to finish school. Often he would leave morose postings on his livejournal, knowing I read them through a shared group. These were not really a problem, and dismissed as trying to get attention from the shared group list.

He emailed me last week, which I ignored. He then made a few livejournal posts about me not answering him. And then he posted on my livejournal. I kind of lost it. After four moths, I was finished. I deleted his post, banned him from commenting, deleted him from any group affiliation, filtered his emails, and otherwise severed contact with him out of sheer exhaustion and anger. It happens.

So, he emailed me about all this and I made it clear I wanted to be left alone. Since he refused to, I was going to make it impossible for him to contact me. I am still considering cancelling the land phone line, as he also made a telphone call to me, which I promptly hung up on. Well, he decided then and there that he was Going To Kill Himself(tm) and it was all my fault. He made sure to broadcast it to an chat channel of mutual online acquaintences (of whom he's been whining to for weeks and they're sick of it, and whom I've been avoiding for months and months).

And that is my side of the story and it is why it is my fault that someone in another country possibly attempted suicide. To all those out there: do not become the friend of a crazed loner; they can only get crazier.

Apologies to those with nothing better to read.

2004-12-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

In every person's life we find stresses. Stresses that can be overcome with a nice hot bath or a night of intoxication or a good book. And there are stresses that are monsterous and need to be slayed by the mightiest warriors of emotional health. My experience of the past four or five months (I lost count) could be considered a delicate combination of the two. Column A is the root of Column B.

So, aside from Column A, here lies me:
School. Well, classes are over, but since Column A makes me cry all the time, and lately moreso in front of my instructors (got to get the waterworks fixed.... soon), I'm still three papers behind. Luckily I have legitimate extensions for all of them. I'd like to say "hooray" but these extenstions just extend my stay in academic purgatory.

School Pt. II. Future tense. And do I mean tense. After being fucked around by my first choice school (a common practice I hear), I'm in a huge bind. Where to start. It all began on September 14, 2004, when I applied to SFU with over two weeks before the deadline. I was so on the ball that I went to speak to an advisor at my school the next day to verify the eligibility of my courses to be transfered and lo and behold! I was in graduation mode and actually got a sparkly degree from my current school*. Less than ten minutes later (in which I filled out my forms for graduation and transcript requests) I was at the Registrar's office handing in my list of (expensive) demands. I zipped over to the cashier's office and paid up the amount needed (credit cards are nice). I went home and contacted SFU with my change of transfer status in which I was told to wait three weeks for my account to be sent to me (hooray!). Three weeks past and I went to the SFU website, where I was informed they were behind processing (which explains the lack of account sent to me at that time). I spoke with a girl at school who was having the same issue and I decided that I'll wait another week or so before contacting them, as their website said "wait" anyway. I contacted SFU in early November to see what the deal was. They blamed me for not checking my junk mail (uh.... no.) and said they would reset my password.... in 30 hours time. Try back at 5pm tomorrow! OKAY. I had evening classes (and other crap) and wasn't able to check until November 12, 7pm. Well, they put the password in, but now we had the problem of them creating some sort of application error (the incorrect password told me it was incorrect, the correct password told me "bea.jolt.ApplicationException: TPESVCFAIL - application level service failure"). And with all my luck they weren't available until Monday November 15 to help (hooray!). I emailed them my problem anyway (they don't check email from 5pm Friday to 8am Monday! Even at high registration time!). I called them on Monday when their email was so useless it hurt. Everyone, despite being unhelpful were very friendly in spite their "shittier than telemarketing" job. The woman on the other line said she would reset my password again at 5pm (so helpful!) after blaming me for entering the password wrong. She browsed my records at the same time and told me that the school had not received my transcripts. That's right, kids! Canada Post takes one day to do deliveries within the metro Vancouver area, but somehow one piece of mail was not there in two months! So, it's my college's fault, right? I call up Cap and ask why my transcripts (that I pay to have sent) were not sent. Their reply? "Oh we sent them on September 20, 2004. About 50% of students from Cap who apply to SFU come back as SFU tends to lose transcripts". BLOODY HELL. So I order two more transcripts, one for me to pick up and hand deliver and one more set sent by unreliable mail. As I have school full time, it took me two days to pick up the transcripts and head over to SFU to hand deliver the following day (of note: SFU is over an hour away). I also took that time to pay my application fee (you can't do that until you have an SFU account active... nice, huh?), but my credit card wouldn't read. Why? Because the clerk was an idiot. It had gone through, but she typed into the system that it did not, so when the receipt printed it said I did not pay... My account said otherwise. >_<>The Unmovable Line From Hell for a bit, gave up and tried again online (oh look! the program just needed to be updated at 5pm!). So I paid. I was accepted and en route to registering at the university of my choice. Hooray, right? NO. Acceptance is one thing, registration is another. The next step in the annoying process (unexplained anywhere) is to apply for a computing account. Something I found out when I couldn't access information to my enrollment date and had to bother the poor souls at SFU by phone again. "Oh did you get your computing ID?" "No...." "You have to go to this third party website. You can access it today after 5pm". I'm loving the 5pm. It's quitting time for the people so everyone calls back with problems the next day only to be told "try after 5pm". And you'll never guess what happened to me! You're right, it didn't work and I was told to wait until after 5pm the next day. Finally on November 22nd I had everything I needed to get my reg date. And the website kept logging me out. So the next day I call the school again and am told to use this new ID I created last week instead of the one II've been using since the start. So I do. My peers have been registering for the past three days, and I, I register a week later for no other reason than SFU has a horrible, horrible system that upsates "tomorrow after 5pm",
So, I go to register on Wednesday-- oh, wait, no I don't because there are no classes available unless I'm down with taking some more first year courses that do nothing for my degree and just give SFU more money. So I call again. If I was mad before, I was furious then. And I get tossed around and end up in some person's voicemail. I'm so mad I'm crying again in the full computer lab at school (eh, or it could be that I'm a sobbing mass as of late anyway and I'm blaming my emotions on SFU unjustly). After trying to register (or is it pretending to register?) it's my last class of English 203 and I walk in handing in four of five essays I wrote in three days (the fifth is outstanding, and not in the "good" way) sobbing like a four year old that just ran into a wall. The tears probably helped in securing an extension for essay number 5. So pathetic. I went home and cried all the way and for a while after that. Today, I contacted the department advisor and got myself one class. Many things came out of the talk, including writing letters to every person up the ladder at SFU about my situation. I'll get on that when I have the energy (soo, Corinne, soon). The other thing is that according to my entry level and grades, I was supposed to apply on November 17. That's right: Two weeks earlier. The other thing I've been doing is constantly checking back to the "open class list' (which takes about 5 minutes per department to look up). I struck gold when the course I need (I need two), had one seat open. I TOOK IT. MUHAHAHAHAHA! This is all good right? I've got classes, I've got school? Patterns tell you the answer is "no" and you're right. I need at least three classes to secure a student loan (that's for kids whose parents don't pay for school; you borrow crazy ass amounts of money that doesn't cover tuition and living expenses unless you eat and live in cardboard). I now have two. Meaning I am ineligible. So, work, right? My two classes are spread out over three weekdays. And not just evenings or just mornings. They are all over the place. One is 9:30am-130pm on Mondays, the second class is Tuesday and Thursday mornings and Tuesday afternoons at 1-2:30pm. Technically this leaves a;; pf Wednesday, all of Friday and Thurday afternoons (plus weekends). And hey, I can get a job in those hours; retail, buger flipping, minimum wage, etc. But I've got 5 years of office experience that is going to rust if I go and work at Burger King. I'll admit, I'm willing to and ready to do so to make sure I can go to school, but I can't ignore the fact that I'm downright fucked because SFU has a shitty system.... The other option is to just not attend school anymore. And I'm willing to do that, too.

Emotional Manipulation

2004-11-03T20:45:00.000-08:00

What do you do when someone you thought was your friend stops acting like one?
A few months back, someone I considered a good frined went batshit crazy on me and began to accuse me of the most unfounded absurd things. They remained accusatory and angry with me for two months while I defended my actions* on an increasingly frequent level. It finally came down about three weeks ago. They asked a favour of me. I said I would do so (in November) if they were to stop with the accusations. They said they would. The next day and the week that followed included more than daily accusations. At the end of the week, I denied the favour and asked that they cease contact with me; that I could not take these accusations/paranoia any more. It's kind of unclear to me now, but they convinced me to continue talking with them. For the next two weeks, I've tried my best to move on with my life. They have other plans for me. There were days where the phone would ring two or three (or more) times an hour. When I would pick up the phone, I would be polite and friendly and they would keep me on the line for hours while guilting me about my desire for space. After a week and a half of the calling, I requested that they stop contacting me altogether while I get my emotional and school shit in order (I've had problems with school from stress related to them and that stress has spilled over emotionally to levels I have not felt since I was clinically depressed in 1996). I did not disclude the idea, at that time, that I would commit the favour in November. I just really needed to do what I needed to do without being their emotional crutch. The next day they called me repeatedly again. And the day after. And the day after. Finally, on Monday, I requested to my roommate that I not receive phone calls from anyone (it should also be noted that this person was calling my roommate, on his phone, several times a day trying to find out where I was during the previous week). On Monday, my roommate received two calls at home for me from them. Once while I was at school and another when I was lying down (I heard the phone ring, bt I refused to answer it). After lying down, I got up to have a shower. While I was in the shower, the phone rang about six times. When I got out, I went online and told them to stop. That was my only intention and planned to go to bed immediately afterwards. They held me online for three hours running in circles over the exact things I've been avoiding from them for the past three weeks. All my healing was destroyed in three hours. And at the end of three hours, with my repeated "I'm going to bed"s (at least 6), I had to disconnect without their permission to leave--something I pointed out when doing so. The minute I disconnected, the phone rang (it was now 2:30am) and I picked up and hung up. The phone rang again. I unplugged the phone in my room and went into the living room, where the phone rang again. I picked it up and told the person that I was unpluggin all the phones. They called my roommate's number three times at that time, but the phone was, thankfully, on silent.

The reason I have tolerated this insanity is because of the emotional guilt placed on me repeatedly. And it never stops. Even now, they are leaving messages all over the place trying to entice me to contact them again. They are all emotional pleas and I can't handle the stress of the ordeal. I'm going mad, and I don't even want to go into the emotional toll it's taken on me. Partially because it's very persoanl and no one needs to hear about it and partially because it is my fault I've let things go this far and expressing my emotional state is not something I want to use as a threat.

*This is not standard protocal for me. As soon as shit like this happens with any of my other "friends" in the past, I would just agree with them and "let them go" as anyone who thinks that of me is not really willing to see me for me. In this case, due to the other person's lack of experience with people I felt it necessary to defend myself and all people--they were convinced that everyone was malicious and evil and I was "just like everyone else" in that sense. I was willing to admit I was like a lot of people, just not the people that they thought existed everywhere.

Trick & Treats

2004-11-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

My halloween costume.

I made it myself.

Quizzes are lame, but that's why I have this thing: Lame stuff

2004-10-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

Your element is Water: Understanding, intelligent,
quiet and calm. You know who you are and no one
can change that. Usually quiet but only because
your listening, don't let anyone think you
haven't got an opinion! Your not quiet because
your shy or sad, your usually quiet because
your thinking. Your answers are well planned
and helpful so people generally seek your
advice. Your the perfect balance between
solitary and outgoing. But sometimes you need a
little time to yourself to sort out your
emotions and figure things out. You understand
the phrase 'sticks and stone' and rarely let
things get to you, whats that important for you
to have to get so upset over? You know what you
want out of life but are simply taking your
time and enjoying things. To you your life is
fine as it is, you can always change things
later if your not happy.

.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

Three, Trois, San

2004-10-07T21:45:00.001-07:00

This is a mish-mash of things that have excited me online lately.

List three of the following:
A) Songs that you love to sing allowed in cars.
B) Objects that exist(ed) that you've never seen.
C) Books you've purchased lately.

A.1) Thursday "Paris in Flames"
A.2) Simon & Garfunkel "The Only Living Boy in New York"
A.3) The Postal Service "Such Great Heights"

B.1) An live stegosaurus
B.2) An atom
B.3) The inner workings in a brain

C.1) Eats(,) Shoots and Leaves
C.2) Letter Perfect
C.3) Mist

Photographic Candy

2004-10-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

You get but one treat right now. I have some more pictures, but this was taken about 4 hours after the eruption as I flew over. You can kind of see the broken up glacier. More news and updating when I get back from Mt. St. Helen's.

Because you can't and you won't and you don't stop.

2004-09-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

Clicking gives you a bigger picture.

Smilies

2004-09-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

Not in the blurry sense, but kind of like what the opposite of depression feels like. To start, I had an abnormally quiet Thursday morning class. I had actually fallen behind and had not done my reading for the week. However, I was still able to be the largest contributor and question asker of the whole class. After class, I had to talk to Tad (really, that's my instructor's name) about my forthcoming absences and the material we are slated to cover. After that was all said and done he praised me for my input and questions. Hello "A" for Anthropology. It's nice to be on an instructor's really good side so early in the class.

On the way home I saw a woman with a fir lined hood on her coat. Not that Rachael has that kind of coat, but she reminded me of her. Perhaps in height and stature. Anyway, when I was able to see her haircut (she was behind an electrical pole), I noticed that it was really short, but not in a pixie cut kind of way, more like a bob that was 3 inches too short. For some reason it reminded me of when I had massacred my hair the last time around and I smiled. Further up the street, about half a block, I saw some periwinkles in bloom and these really neat red ivys. Those made me smile. Within the same block was Urban Empire, which has won the best window contest for many years running for the VIFF, was a display mourning the loss of the competition--which was actually their entry. It was nicely ironic. I smiled. The word ironic reminded me of Anton Chekhov's The Cherry Orchard in which the translator of the text uses "ironic" to mean sarcastic or fascitious. Anyway, back to the fuzzies. I stopped off at home to drop off my book bag and check for the delivery of groceries. I headed back out. Out in the alley way, two window-washers were having a philisophical discusion over what truth is and how there is no such thing as unbiased sources. They were talking about the problems with large corporations when I finally left earshot of them. Around the corner was a boy holding a bungle of white lillies larger than his head. This amused me as the child seemed mostly bored with the task, but pleased that he was doing it properly.

Now, something you ought to know about my neighbourhood is that it is highly politicized. Not only do I have Da Kine (which was footsteps from where I saw the short hair cut), but groups such as the Bus Riders' Union, the Vancouver original Greenpeace and anarchist groups all call Commercial Drive home. That being said it is not unusual to see telephone poles covered 8' high in flyers; both for upcoming protests and small venue shows. Right now it's common to find Fringe flyers. Once in a while there is a gem among these common place advertisements. I think I'd like to start documenting such gems. A couple weeks ago, I found this. You'll find handwritten rants about the love of Christ and notices for lost cats, dogs and siblings. For a year, there were a couple of girls on Commercial drive who took blogging to the streets and posted handwritten flyers around Commercial and Victoria along Venebles (for those who know the area) telling about their monthly activities. One girl was finishing her Ph.D. the other changed jobs in the year. They would write about failed relationships and normal, everyday goings on. They would include doodles and colour, hand drawn and coloured in with felt pens. They included only their first names and at the end of twelve months, the twelfth entry was a farewell. I saw about 5 of them over the year as the location of the flyers was never in the same place twice. Today, I saw an exerpt from Henry David Thoreau's Civil Disobedience. I actually stopped and read it. It was just a half of a page of typed text:
"Under a government which imprisons unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison. The proper place today, the only place which Massachusetts has provided for her freer and less despondent spirits, is in her prisons, to be put out and locked out of the State by her own act, as they have already put themselves out by their principles. It is there that the fugitive slave, and the Mexican prisoner on parole, and the Indian come to plead the wrongs of his race should find them; on that separate but more free and honorable ground, where the State places those who are not with her, but against her--the only house in a slave State in which a free man can abide with honor. If any think that their influence would be lost there, and their voices no longer afflict the ear of the State, that they would not be as an enemy within its walls, they do not know by how much truth is stronger than error, nor how much more eloquently and effectively he can combat injustice who has experienced a little in his own person. Cast your whole vote, not a strip of paper merely, but your whole influence. A minority is powerless while it conforms to the majority; it is not even a minority then; but it is irresistible when it clogs by its whole weight. If the alternative is to keep all just men in prison, or give up war and slavery, the State will not hesitate which to choose."

No claim to who posted it or even why. It was just one of those "stop. think." activities that my street seems to enjoy. This made me smile despite its dark topic.

I went out to get some things for my upcoming trip at Kitchen Corner. There, I found a whole slew of things I needed but didn't think they carried. I was very pleased with my purchases. I noticed that they carried a range of tablecloths. This, too, made me smile. A few months back, Rachael, mum and I spent a whole afternoon on the hunt for tablecloths hitting every place that carried household items... except Kitchen Corner. I was sure to call Rachael about it.

But now it is 2pm and I have yet to achieve the majority of what I intended (laundry, sewing). But my PixelBlocks are organized.

Why I love PixelBlocks

2004-09-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

Because they're so much fun.
Duh.

The Starting Line

2004-09-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

So, let's see. It's school season. That means I have classes. It's going to be an alright semester, I think. Classes are so far good-good. I've got English 212: Traditions in Western Literature, English 203: Canadian Literature: Modernism and Beyond, Anthropology 206: First Nations of BC, and Computing Science 106: Programming with Robots. And yes, the last class is as cool as it gets.

For the English classes I've got tons to read, but it doesn't look like gruellingly difficult texts. Doing the Theban plays for 212 this week. That's easy enough. Poetry for 203; naturally, it includes Atwood. I have yet to form an opinion on her. I'm very indifferent and feel unCanadian about my lack of love for her as an English major.

Antropology could be more interesting if Tad (that's actually his name) would stop writing his notes on the board. The class would be much more open to discussion if he printed the notes and we added to them ourselves, but kept the discussion as a conversation rather than a lecture with long pauses to write out his thoughts on the blackboards (and really, the blackboards aren't black any more; I really should start calling them chalkboards and leave it at that). I'm thinking of slipping an anonymous letter in his office sometime soon. The class has so much promise to be entertaining.

Programming with Robots. Well, I've had two classes so far. The best part is that I get to play with Lego to make my robots. The worst part is that there are three to a group with a 30 minute lab--that means no one gets any real work done, we all just kind of try to do it all at once in hopes that we get ours done. I left class 10 minutes late because Gill and Andrew left me to save the file and pack up. Bastards. Pretty easy once you get into it though.

I applied to SFU last night. Apparently a little premature. The last day for submissions is September 30, 2004, so I thought it would be good to apply earlier rather than later. I went to talk to an advisor morning to see if I could graduate or if I would just transfer my credits. Turns out that I can graduate and you're all invited to my convocation June 1, 2005. I actually graduate in less than four months time, but there is no convocation for then. I've never worn a cap and gown. Immagunnamakemuhparennssoproud.

Of course, with attending SFU, I'm going to pay even more tuition. Employment time soon. Blech. I've been looking at bursaries and scholarships. IF only I was a single mother or an First Nations member or disabled in one way or another, I could pay for my schooling. No knocks against those that are, but man, it's hard to get money for schooling. The first rule for applying to school and paying for it is to ask your parents. Then apply for loans, then if you're eligible for a loan, they'll consider you for a grant. If you're eligible for a grant and have a huge obstacle to overcome and you work while attending school then you can get a busary or scholarship. If you are eligible for a busary or scholarship, you're set. My problem is that I have no obstacle other than poor parents. I can get a loan, but that's literally where the buck stops. I don't mind working except I'm overqualified for most part time work. I think I'll go to a temp agency. I hate those.

In further education news, no one, but no one, knows what is going on with my student loan that may or may not have my tuition deducted from it. Which means more processing time and even more bueraucracy (not to self: MSWord auto-correct is the destroyer of spelling). I've spent hours in line to talk to financial advisors and to apply for graduation. Not fun. Although I spent time with Janet (not that any of you know Janet) which made tme go by much faster. Especially when I was the next person in line and waited 20 minutes. At the front of the line. Once one of two wickets were open to me, a guy jumped in front of me. And then the other wicket opened and another guy jumped in front of me. I was feeling rather murderous by that point.

In other good and fascinating news, in about two weeks I'll be up in Alaska, hanging out with a really good friend. Quite excited really. He's going to be so cold. As will I, but nothing compared to him.

I know I could totally make a new entry that was separate from the immediate ongoings in my life, but it's a fun story nonetheless. While in Arizona visiting Damien we went all over the sate. I went to the Grand Canyon, Sedona and Tucson all on one weekend. It was really awesome. The mountails don't seem like mountains in anyway that I am accustomed to. Anyway, one of the reasons (not even close to being a major reason) was to find a PixelBlocks dealer. Their website listed three stores. One in Phoenix, one in Sedona and one in Tucson. Within the first few days, Damien and I went out to Paradise Valley Mall (about 40 minutes away) to go to a store called Brainstorms. Well, it appears Brainstorms went belly up. I know; so sad. A few days later we went to Sedona to the Sedona Kid Company (I was unable to determine whether or not they manufactured kids there, either human or goat). There, my socially anxious companion braved the clerk and asked if they carried PixelBlocks. She repeated herself several times in a loud booming voice that they orderred them last year and again at this year's Toy Fair but had never received the shipment. She was friendly, but I felt very trapped to listen to her story over and over. A simple "No, we have yet to get them in" would have been less intimidating. The next day, another early morning took us out to Tucson (to a really cool "museum" called the Arizona-Sonora Desert Musuem; I loved the prarie dogs so much). After looking at the Puma and Javelinas, we headed into the city of Tucson to Mrs. Tiggy Winkles (or something like that). They were sold out of PixelBlocks. To make a long story short: I went to every store in the state of Arizona that carried PixelBlocks only to be denied repeatedly. So, I emailed PixelBlocks with my sad story. Mostly to let them know that I went all over looking for these things, from another country no less, and the stores they have listed need to be updated; either by deletion or by sending them PixelBlocks. Hany from PixelBlocks called me and apologized. He asked me for my address and said he'd send me a surprise. I wait for the surprise, but now I am thinking it's going to be a catalogue and a colouring book. So sad.

I said I would do it.

2004-09-10T01:07:00.000-07:00

Sports Day.

My mother was short participants for her work's fundraiser Sports Day so she insisted that Grae and I participate. So I did and ended up havig agimpy photograph of me in a newspaper.

Also, I went to the Grand Canyon. These birds have 9' wingspans.